Return of the prodigal Sun Devil

I feel so grateful today.

For Partha who was my guru like no other…

For Chuck and Joe and many other teachers who loved me so much…

For our first home together with so many fun memories…

For Gambhir Uncle and family who healed me as I struggled…

For friends like Gopi, Bala and Kevin who always inspired me… took care of me…

For Naveen who gave me the break at Microsoft…

And for so much more…

I was meant to come here - it grounded me, focused me.

Love you Arti for encouraging me - I needed this closure…

— Sun Devil - Arizona State University (ASU) mascot

— ASU has always been a bitter-sweet memory for me. I often quipped that the only rankings it appeared in the top 10 was that of a ‘party school’.

The storm...

I write this today with a very heavy heart as I see my father ebbing away... 

Time has stilled... the coldness of the floor, the stench of disinfectant, the gnarly fingers sporting perfectly manicured nails, the immaculately groomed facial hair, the rosy marks of the mask - a lease of life... the strange dance of waxing-waning numbers on the display, his grip on my hand as paroxysms pass by...

I am not sure when the storm starts or ends - with the portent, with the hope-despair rollercoaster, with the ultimate acceptance? I don't know...

What I do know is that today is not the day to indulge my thoughts; there will be time enough to reflect when it's all done and dusted.

Today I need to get the job done - to hold his hand and bring him home.

Helplessness...

यह कैसी अजब बेबसी है

वो मेरे समने, लेकिन फिर भी कितनी दूर…

कभी आन्खो मे वो प्यार जो केवल मै ही जानू

कभी इतना दर्द कि दिल ही टूट जये

कभी किल्कारियो की गून्ज से चोन्का देना

कभी इतने आन्सु कि मरासिम बने ही रह जाना…

क्या सोच रही है आज आप

हर एक भाव का एह्सास ले रही है आप

मुझे बता भी न पाओगी

ये राज मन मे दबाकर चले जाओगी…

हम कितने बेबस है, कुच भी तो कर न पाते

पर फिर भी, सारे जहा के साहुकार समझ इत्राते…

इतनी बेबसी है की इजहार ही न हो पा रही…

Think Pink!!

Ok!! Floyd obsession triggered - run! hide! while you still can!!

Pulse was our anthem album back then - my most prized one complete with the pulsating LED 🙃

Seattle still has this Monday 10pm fixture - Think Pink… We would drive around town while the best ones played all while Sikka* went “Boss! The Gods Are Smiling”...

Well after the girls happened...

“I’m thinking of learning to fly” went the email and within seconds Sikka and I had sent in lyrics to ‘Learning to Fly’ - poor chap actually wanted to learn how to fly... our obsession knew no bounds...

I still regret not watching their last concert (1994... they broke up soon after) in ASU** - Anju and I couldn’t afford two tickets... only to panic the day of the concert!! We simply had to make do with echoes (no pun) outside the Sun Devils stadium...

The Aussie PF is actually quite good - heard them in Seattle back in 2005… and of course the Roger Waters concert in Seattle when Anju was horrified at the second hand grass Arti inhaled 🤓 Seems to have done the trick though since many years later, on a trip back from college she went “Daddy! I love Pink Floyd - High Hopes, Welcome to Machine”…

Of course I was in tears - can you even imagine the feeling when your child shares in your passion?? These are true blessings my friends, true blessings…

‘Terminal Frost’ playing even as I write this… Sigh…

*Sikka: Even more obsessed partner in crime for all things Floyd!!

**ASU: Arizona State University - notably Top-5 on only one list - Party Schools - fine by me!!

“Sher-e-Punjab Tempo Travellers” presents...

‘Syyapa 2020’ - Delhi-Amritsar badla tour

  • GT road - black Scorpio full tai-shai - susu stop Sher Shah Suri ‘piau’

  • Aaloo paranthas @ Murthal dhaba - no skimping-shimping on the makkhan jee

  • Gidda-bhangra in ‘chane de khet’ - BYOK (kudee)

  • Matha-tek Golden Temple - double serving kada prasad (clean toilaats)

  • Amritsari cholae-kulchae te Lassi tumbler ‘shots’

  • Wagah border de Jai Hind ‘can-can’ salutes

  • Kukkad-scaatch - theka angrezi sharaab

  • Good nait-shait - BYOC (cuddlebuddy)

On Mental Health

Was it really a vision or just my imagination? The intense love, that warmth I felt in my heart as I lay there after the stretches and ‘Pranayams’. I thought of that hill again, but not as a treacherous shock of sharp, knee twisting rocks… I saw myself on top of the hill, singing, happy, overjoyed at the achievement. Then just one thought – to sing like that each day - to love my inner spirit for not being afraid of the hill. A surge of warmth spread through me. Not a balm to soothe the pain - just purity, allowing me to love myself again. I have no guilt anymore, no regret, no pain. I will walk up that hill again with Anju just as I had wanted to on that day. To leap from rock to rock with her, to sing again…

This was the last piece of writing before my downward spiral into depression ensued. And what a long and painful ride it was. It took over 18 months to overcome the painful symptoms, months of patience and deep love from family and friends who understood my pain and believed in me.

However, if one chooses to see things as learning opportunities, it was not all sadness - there is a deep sense of meaning behind these experiences. A sense of seeing beyond the veil of ‘maya’ that permeates our being.

The most important lesson I learned through my journey was that there was nothing to be ashamed about. That I was not weak. That asking for help was smart and courageous. That there is a definitive path out of it. That in the end, one can look back at it and feel good about not just working past the symptoms, but also facing the fears and baggage that underlie the same. That impermanence is the only truth.

Mental health issues are a reality and can happen to the best of us. However these are not issues to be feared or brushed under the carpet.

We live in the hardest of times today with so many of our deep-rooted assumptions - safety, security, companionship, control over outcomes mercilessly defenestrated. To make matters worse, since these are the precise anchors that help alleviate mental health issues, we need to stay alert and open to the possibility that at some point we may need to ask for help.

The ailment creeps up on one, then all of a sudden, the levee breaks. It’s good to remember then, that there are others who will help with compassion, devoid of judgment.

Please listen to your inner voice if you ever find yourself in despair and reach out for help, knowing that there are many around you who understand and are more than willing to hold your hand.